And The Moral Of The Story Is
by Sakina the Fallen Angel
Summary: A collection of silly Yugioh related stories with even sillier morals! NEW STORY UP: Tristan gets a new friend, Ryou turns cheeky and the paperclip’s back? So…where do Digimon come into this? Arghhh what in the name of Ra is going on? R n R!
1. The Truth About Téa

I hope this type of fic has not been attempted yet!

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The Power Of Friendship

or: The truth about Téa

"Firedpinsh," Joey said simply.

"Pardon me?" Yugi asked.

"An anagram, firedpinsh, I bin working on it all day, n' da answer still alludes me," Joey explained, as they walked past the lake.

"Alludes? Big word coming from a small brain," Kaiba murmured, trying to solve the anagram himself.

"Leave Joey alone," Yugi scolded. "Can't you see, he's trying?"

"Yeah," Duke chortled. "I bet you a tenner Kaiba gets it before him!"

"That's not the point," Yugi said. "But you're on."

"Hey!" Kaiba and Joey both exclaimed.

Téa, who had been silent for a while, piped up. "Friendship."

"Yawha?" Joey mumbled.

"Friendship."

"If this is going to be another one of your sickly speeches then I-" Kaiba began but was interrupted.

"No, the answer is 'friendship'," Téa pressed. "The most powerful force in the universe, it is what holds us together and is far stronger than love, and-"

"No one believes in friendship anymore, it's a dog eat dog world!" Kaiba sniffed, looking at Joey.

"What was dat you was implying, Kaiba boy?" Joey stopped, and eyed Kaiba up and down. "If this is a challenge, den bring it on!"

"What are you going to do, bark at me?" Kaiba sneered, inspecting his nails.

"People, chill, come on!" Mokuba appeared from somewhere and plonked himself in between the two teenagers.

Duke lifted Mokuba up and plonked him five feet away. "Shh, little one, this is gonna be fun!"

"-yeah well, at least I don't need a fanfare evr'y time I walk into a room."

"That's because you can't afford one, nincompoop!"

"Oh yeah? What was dat I just heard you say?" Joey cupped his ear. "Oh yeah, you was talkin' to der guy dat won three hundred grand from Duellist Kingdom!"

"Who blew it all because he can't count to ten! Mutt, even I know how much money I make. And fyi, you won three million-"

"Yeah, dat's what I just said, don't ya listen?"

"Guys! Calm down. Let's all have a nice cup of tea and watch the rainbows, then we can all be friends agai-"

"Knock it off Téa, can't ya see I'm in da middle o' something?"

"Yes Téa, save your speeches for someone who cares," Kaiba said coldly.

"But without friendship, we are all just lost souls, in the sea of evil," Téa wailed.

"Look, Kaiba-"

"Friendship!" Téa eeped.

"I don't care about ya fancy clothes n' dat-"

"Friendship!"

"Man, what's up with Téa?" Duke said. "She's ruining the match!"

"Oh my God, she's got smoke coming out of her ears!" Yugi cried.

"Friendship! Friendship! F-friendship!" Téa faltered, the pitch of her voice lowering, like a machine. "Ffffrrrrriiiiieeennndddssshhippp…"

Then she exploded.

"Oh my God!"

What was left was a smouldering pile of wires and chips.

"Gosh, never knew she was a robot!" Duke exclaimed, coughing and wafting away Téa smoke. Smoke was rising from the place where her- it's head used to be.

"Well, that explains why Téa kept relentlessly drumming in her friendship ideas," Yugi murmured. He prodded the recumbent figure that had stopped dead in it's tracks. Téa fell over.

"Good thing we found out now that Téa was a robot, I mean, imagine what the world would've been like if everyone had been brainwashed?" Duke said. "I wonder if there are any more robots here?"

Mokuba backed away nervously.

"Let's call a truce now, eh?" And the gang, minus one robot, walked away into the sunset.

**And the moral of the story is: Sometimes it is the ones we least expect, that turn out to be fake.**

**Or: no matter how good you are at disguises, people will find out sooner or later that you're not human.**

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Whaddya think? Yay or nay? If I get enough encouragement, I may make a series outta this! Plus, any reviews and ideas for future episodes very welcome!


	2. Yugi's Downward Spiral Into Insanity

Definitely not as good as the Téa one, but meh, see what you think!

And thanks to all my reviewers!

OK, let's get this straight-this fic is NOT based on real events that happened relating to my brother, I repeat this fic is NOT based on real events. eyes everyone cagily, before scuttles away

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Yugi's Downward Spiral Into Insanity

"I will move the knight to E4, ha! Checkmate!" Yugi crowed, in the recesses of Yami's mind chamber, where they were currently in the middle of a game of chess.

"Ah, but if I do this-" Yami did a complicated manoeuvre involving three pawns, a bishop and a castle- "see, I have my King protected behind an impenetrable barrier."

"What!" Yugi's mind was slipping. This isn't how you play chess! Yami had already claimed that two red queens and a black five was the ultimate combination in poker, and had cheated his way through checkers, backgammon, battleships and cheat- although that is technically the point of that game.

"You can't play chess like that! Pawns don't move backwards!" Yugi exclaimed indignantly.

"Erm, I'm afraid you'll find they do," Yami sat back, preparing for a grand lecture. "Back in my day, not only could pawns move forwards, they could also move sideways-" he demonstrated, knocking Yugi's castle over. Yugi's eye began to twitch. "-and they could also move backwards. You know, until two Millennia ago, we had been playing with lines in the sand, and jacks instead of the queen. Now the jack was a very special piece, but in those days it was known as a knave-"

"This is cards, right?" Yugi's eye twitched dangerously.

"No no no! Yugi, I never got to be known as the King Of Games by confusing the games with each other. Now, you have to learn to tell the difference between the queen and the jack. Back in my days, the jack was made of stone whereas the queen was more ivory, but ivory was hard to acquire so instead we used-"

"Make your move," Yugi said quietly, voice knife sharp.

"Oh Yugi, are you OK, your eye is twitching. Ah, let's see, I will sacrifice these two pawns-" he selected two of Yugi's pawns that were one move away from being crowned queen, "to bring back my queen, which I then use to wipe out your bishop and knight in a Double Blast!"

"What, you can't do that, that's duel monsters!" Yugi exclaimed despairingly.

"Oh no, you must be thinking of-"

"Well in that case, I invoke in the mystic powers and use the Teleporter, which enables me move my queen to any space on the board!" Yugi babbled. "Hah! You lose! Checkmate!"

"Yugi," Yami said gently. "You must be getting confused. We are playing chess, not-"

"Gah! I can't take it any longer!" Yugi cried, clutching his head. He threw the board in Yami's face and jumped up. "I am sick of you and your ways! Why must I listen to you any longer?" With a maniacal cackle he grabbed the queen and with a supernatural strength drove her straight into Yami's heart. "Ha, now you really do have the Heart Of The Cards!"

"I believe not," Yami replied calmly, not in the slightest bit alarmed and pulled the queen out. "For that to happen, I would need a card in my heart, not, a queen. Anyway, as I was saying, you couldn't tell the difference between a-"

"Take that! You fiend!" Yugi cackled, thrusting the Dark Magician card into Yami's heart. "Hahahahaha!" And with that, Yugi drew out a knife and began to stab Yami.

"Yugi, what are you doing?" Yami enquired, eyes widening as Yugi carved patterns on Yami's chest.

"Why, Yami, I am killing you!" Yugi said in a singsong voice. "Tralalalala!"

Yami put his arm around Yugi, prising the knife out of his hand. "Yugi, I think you should stop this madness, someone might get hurt."

"Yes, you!" Yugi sprang back, making the sign of the cross. "And pray tell me, o great Pharaoh, why are you not yet dead? Why have you not disintegrated, as is the custom when a knife is driven into an evil being's heart?"

"Yugi!" Yami said, alarmed. "You of all people know that I can never be destroyed, after all, I am already a spirit, am I not?"

"Gah!" Yugi cried. This wasn't supposed to happen. Yami was supposed to die, and Yugi would take his place as the King! With a look of horror, he saw Yami's flesh healing around the wounds.

"Damn! Yugi, help me, the Dark Magician seems to be trapped in my chest," Yami said, trying to tug it out.

Yugi's eyes widened, and he began to rock back and forth, making burbling noises. "Stuck with him for all of eternity" was one of the phrases that could be made out.

"There there, we can get you all the help you need," Yami said, patting Yugi on the back as he blew raspberries into the night chamber.

**And the moral of the story is: It is always the quiet ones that go insane.**

**Or: Chess and Duel Monsters are two different games and should not be confused.**

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**Well, see what you think! Any ideas for future 'episodes', please submit! 


	3. Why Blue Eyes Will Never Catch On

Dedicated to **Mana-The-Authoress**: Your idea, you get the credit!

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Why Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon Will Never Catch On

Once upon a time there was a CEO called Kaiba, who possessed three Blue Eyes White Dragons. Now and again, he'd let them fly through the city to show off how powerful and beautiful they were.

One time, they flew past a poster of the Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon, and they stopped to think. Yes, for what the dragons had in ferociousness and magnificence, they lacked in brains. After one reminded the others to keep beating their wings whilst staying still, they had an idea.

"We are so powerful, that everyone fears us!" Dragon 1 declared.

"But wouldn't it be better if we combined and digivolved into Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon?" Dragon 2 said.

"Uh, dufus," Dragon 3 scolded, "we're not Digimon, so we can't digivolve."

"That's right!" Dragon 1 said. "We are Duel Monsters, the cream of the cream!"

"Crème de la crème," Dragon 2 sighed- yes, Dragon 2 was the brightest. "Look, as individuals we are weak-"

"-yeah, with 3000 Atk," the other two scoffed.

"-but united, we will be as powerful as the gods!"-_Gah! Never tempt the Gods!_

"Wow, then we can show them how good we really are. No more Ra laughing down at us!"

"Yes, and I can have my own statue…" Dragon 1 slipped off into its lifelong fantasy.

And with that, the dragons fused into Blue Eyes Ultimate. There was a flash of light, a moment of confusion, and then the smoke cleared.

"Ow, my head! You bumped into my head!"

"No I didn't! That was Dragon 1."

"Stop blaming me, you-"

"Here, my back itches, let me have control of the left claw!" Dragon 3 wailed.

"No, I want to pick my nose."

"Eeeewwwww!" Dragon 2 recoiled.

The three dragons as one fell to the ground, clawing and scratching at each other, wings beating a-rhythmically as each dragon fought for control. Fed up, Dragon 2 turned to Dragon 1 and bit it's head off.

"Owww, stop biting my head!"

"Can't you even die properly?"

"Let go off my tonsils-"

"Look, you two, I know how to settle this," Dragon 3 said. It prepared to flame the other two.

"Oh no you don't," Dragon 2 said, preparing it's own fireball.

A second later, there was the most gi-normous explosion throughout the city, that ripped bare walls apart. The shockwave bubble followed, deafening the city. And then the mushroom cloud came.

"Holy Ra, Bush has done it this time!"

"Oh no, it's the Apocalypse!"

Blue flames rocketed into the air, and with a final bang, erupted like fireworks.

"There we go," Ra said, satisfied, from his plinth high up in the sky.

**And the moral of the story is: Don't try and eat the head next to you.**

**Or: Three heads aren't better than two.

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I will write out all my thanks in the next episode, so don't think I've forgotten you, all my lovely reviewers! I love you all!**

If anyone has any ideas on future episodes, let me know!


	4. The President Meets Joey

In Britain, Bush is portrayed as an idiot. Let us see what happens when he meets our resident Joey. For the purposes of the Fanfiction rules let us call him Mr President.

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Why The President Should Never Go To Domino City

One day Mr President was cruising around in his limo, on the way to visit his favourite Texan restaurant…in Texas. He must've told the driver to go the wrong way because he ended up in the streets of Domino City.

Lost, and downcast, he stepped out of the limo and sat down on a bench, trying to decide what to do next. Then he met Joey.

Joey whistled as he strolled down the street, hands in his pockets. He felt lucky. The world was going to throw something at him, and he _knew _he could take it on and throw it right back! _Yeah, dat's right,_ Joey thought, _I'm feelin' lu-c-ky! _

"Say kid, you wouldn't happen to know where Texas is, wudya?"

"Wha?" Joey jumped. "Holy Ra, you're da President!"

"Yes, indeed I am," Mr president said, after he turned around to see who Joey was talking to.

Joey's eyes narrowed. _Maybe he could try something here…_"You know, if ya wanna find out where Texas is, why don'tcha hire a hot air b'loon n' we can take to da skies!"

"Wow, that's a mighty fine idea!" Mr President's eyes lit up. If he had considered buying a map, none of the rest would've happened.

A while later, the two were riding up high in the sky. Both were feeling lucky- Joey had scammed a free ride, whilst the President had forgotten to bring his bodyguard and thought himself blessed no one had tried to assassinate him today.

"You know, is it true you own all this land?" Joey asked, as they gazed out across the desert.

"Yep," Mr president answered happily. "And the whole of Fairyland as well!"

"What? You can't like, _own_ Fairyland!" Joey exclaimed.

"Yes I can, ever since I was a kid, all the fairies and dinosaurs told me I was their leader! I've always owned those shining gates…" his Texan accented voice trailed off as he slipped into his childhood memories. "And playing with the pixies, skipping in the grass…"

"Since when do you own Fairyland?"

"Since the day I owned this great country…state…states! No, I was right the first time-"

"That's neutral territory, that is. You're stupid!"

"Hey, I'm the President here, the most powerful man in the Yoo-Ess-Eye, no one calls me stupid!"

"I just did, stupid!" Joey flicked Mr President's nose. "Yeah, Mr I-choked-onna-pretzel!"

"Now let's not bring that up-"

"And whose mother is-"

"Listen, let's not talk about my mother."

"Why not?" She's _your_ mother after all," Joey said sweetly.

"I know that, I'm not that stupid!"

The argument was getting pretty heated.

"Oh yeah, den prove it!"

"OK, ah will! What do you want me to do?" The President drawled, puffing out his chest.

"I bet all the Leprechaun's gold in Fairyland that you can't jump out…no, _won't _jump outta this balloon an' survive!"

"Oh yeah?" The President said. "But that's dangerous, that is. Ah could _die_."

"Even this peanut could fall faster than you!" Joey stared at the peanut sorrowfully, before he reached to drop it out. "Oh man, I can't do dat! It would be like killin' a parta me," he said sadly, and ate it.

"Ha! You ate the peanut, now you gotta jump!" The President jumped up and down happily.

"I will, and I will still fall faster than you, cause I'm Joey Wheeler!" Joey said with a hint of pride.

"Yeah, and I'm…I'm…" Mr President frowned, and concentrated.

"Mr. President?" Joey said with a hint of sarcasm.

"Yeah, that's it!"

Suddenly, without warning, the two jumped.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Joey cried as he tumbled through the air.

As the ground rushed up to meet him, Joey realized that he was going to die. Then the wind blew him a few metres to the right, and he landed in a stack of hay. The President was more unfortunate; he landed in a steaming heap of manure.

"Oh man!" Joy cried, as the President emerged from the heap like a creature from the deep. "No fair! You should be dead! I should've won Fairyland!"

"Ha! It takes more than that to kill the President of the Yoo-Ess-Eye!"

"U-S-A, dufus," Joey muttered as a lone assassin reared up from a cactus and shot the President in the back with happy-darts. The assassin ran off, cackling like a madman as the President slumped forward, a happy smile on his face.

Joey could've sworn the assassin had a starfish shaped head as he disappeared into the horizon.

**And the moral of the story is: Some people are just too stupid to die.**

**Or: Never put Joey Wheeler or the President within five miles of each other.

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To all President lovers, he was just shot with tranquillisers, OK? Yugi just got fed up of hearing them argue!

This is based on a sketch that I did with a guy in Drama for English, although I had to change it a lot so it would fit, otherwise it would be way too political! And I made up the last bit! For a full account of what really happened in the sketch, just send me an email! So, what do you think?


	5. The Boy Who Cried Bear!

This one is weird, but not as funny as the others. Thanks for making it this far, reviewers!

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The Curious Case Of The Boy That Cried "Bear"

_and what happened to his friends_

An old man is sat on a bench in the park, surrounded by wide-eyed children. The sun is shining and someone screams pitifully as their soul is sent to the Shadows.

"Gather around children," the man whispered hoarsely. "For the tale I am about to tell you is not for the faint hearted. It concerns the welfare of three young males, a Yugi Motou, a Yami Yugi and-"

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"Joey!" Yugi cried in exasperation. "Why did you bring the chainsaw, again?" He pulled the gleaming blade out of the rucksack and waved it around.

"Hey man, careful wi' dat! I brought it so's we can get firewood for our campfire," Joey said brightly as he snatched the dangerous contraption back.

"Yeah Joey, and there aren't any sticks lying around either, so I'll just bring my tractor and run down a few trees," Yami said sardonically.

"Yami, it's bulldozer, not tractor. I think you should stick to duelling," Yugi chipped in superiorly.

Everyone lapsed into a sullen silence and went about setting up camp deep in the heart of the woods.

"Say, how about a friendly duel, Joey?" Yami broke in.

"Why not?"

So a makeshift duelling arena was assembled, and soon the boys were down to some serious duelling.

"Hah! I killed your Buster Blader, hah, I'm better dan you!" Joey taunted, waving his duel disc with its Life Point display in front of Yami's nose.

"I thought you said this was going to be a friendly," Yugi murmured, bored.

"The Heart Of The Cards will show you," Yami said, eyes narrowed.

A while later Joey was bored too. Yami was attempting another of his million dollar moves, which meant that he had to decide whether it was in his best interests to sacrifice his Celtic Guardian to summon Gaia or wait for his Dark Magician. Yami had also miraculously- well not really, I mean, come on, it's Joey- taken the lead in the game.

Suddenly Joey had a brain wave. Wouldn't it be funny, to see the looks on Yugi and Yami's faces, if he cried-

"Bear!"

"Huh? Wha?" Yugi and Yami jumped up, staring wildly. "Where, where? Get the chainsaw!"

"Hahahaha!" Joey cried, pointing at them. Man, they looked so stupid!

"That's not funny," Yugi whined.

Back to the duel. Once again, Joey found himself testing his patience, so he thought he'd play the same trick again.

"Bear!" – as if he couldn't be more original.

"Gah! Holy Ra, save me!" Yami yelled, throwing his cards up and scooting up a tree.

"Hahahahaha, I'm dying wi' laughter here!" Tears were streaming down Joey's face, and he was bent double, cracking up. "You look stupid! And, I can see your cards, you have a Call o' Da Haunted, a-"

After Yugi had helped Yami down from the tree the trick was repeated for a third time. The responses Joey received this time were not half as entertaining. Yugi barely looked up from his edition of Champion Duellist and Yami took no notice, although his right eye twitched slightly.

Suddenly Joey heard a rustling behind him. Spinning around, he saw something huge dive into the bushes.

"G-guys," he murmured nervously. He thought he saw a pair of eyes squinting hungrily at him. Joey gulped. "G-guys, I think we have a-"

"Not now Joey," Yami interrupted, waving him off. "I must believe in the Heart Of The Cards if I am to pull this one off…"

"Arghhh!" Joey's bloodcurdling scream was cut off by a crunching noise. Looking up, Yami found himself eye to eye with a real live bear. A hand was sticking out of the corner of the bear's mouth. It flopped once.

"Gah, Joey was right!" Yami exclaimed, backing away, eye twitching madly.

"Get the chainsaw!" Yugi screeched.

"No, I have it under control! I sacrifice Celtic Guardian and Big Shield Gardna to summon the Dark Magician!" Yami cried triumphantly as he brandished the Dark Magician card at the bear.

"What are you doing, you fool?" Yugi yelled, rummaging desperately for the chainsaw.

"The Heart Of The cards will save us fro-" _Crunch!_

"Nooooo!" Yugi cried. "Take that!" He switched the chainsaw on, and the blade whirred menacingly.

Scared, the bear lumbered off, trampling on Millennium Puzzle as it disappeared, but it was too late, Joey and Yami were lost to the world forever.

**And the moral of the story is: There is no Heart In the Cards.

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Tempest: Shouldn't it be **"Never cry 'Bear'?"  
**Sakina: Shut up Hikari, it's my fic.

Anyways, if you liked this, check out my other humour fic- **Ways To Annoy Yami Yugi **like the title says, and if anyone has any more ideas on silly stories with morals, send them in!


	6. Why You Should Stay On Yugi's Good Side

Happy Easter everyone! Free Easter eggs all around!

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**Why It Is Good To Be On Yugi's Good Side**

_Bring brrrrri-ing, _the phone screamed as Yugi waited for it to connect.

"Yello? This is Duke Devlin, answering the phone at the Wheeler residence-"

There was a crash in the background.

"-Ere, gimme dat phone, dice-boy!" Joey's voice hollered. There was another crash, followed by an "arghh!"

"Yami, why did you just trip me up?" It was Joey, again.

"Me?" Yami's voice replied innocently.

"N' ya got juice in ma hair! Dya' know how sticky orange juice is?"

"Sorry Yugi," Duke said, "We seem to be having problems at the Wheeler residence-_hey, leave my dice alone, Téa,_ so could you please call back in-"

"No, wait!" Yugi cried. "I just wanted to know if we were still gonna meet at the park, you know, to discuss my-I mean _our_ plans for world domination?"

"Yawhat, oh yeah, good, good, Yugi-"

"My hair, my hair! My beautiful hair! Yami, I'm gonna MAUL you dis time!"

"Me? Why, it was Tristan that poured juice into your hair, by the way, I like the colour, it really matches your complexion-"

"Yami! Stop blaming me-" Tristan.

Suddenly there was a unanimous "arghhh!" Followed by a "Téa, why did you just pour orange juice over everyone's hair, including yourself?"

"Well guys, I figured that as we all fell out over Joey being the only one with juice in his hair, I figured we'd all be best friends once again if we ALL had orange juice in our hair!" She said happily.

"Téa, that's not how it works!"

"Yes it is, friendship is-"

Yugi hung up. Well, they'd got the message. Soon, the producers of Yugioh would be history, leaving him in total control of the huge television company and free to manipulate the minds of so many fans through subliminal messaging in episodes…

Sometime later...

Yugi could hear them all bickering as he rounded the corner, past the clear lake and swaying boughs of the willows.

"I told you we should've taken da long way around!" Joey yelled at Tristan, strands dripping orange juice.

"Why, again?" Tristan smirked.

"I already told ya, I don't like da seagulls in dis place. I always nick their fish n' chips so dey come afta me-woah!" He ducked as another seagull dive-bombed, despatching an egg missile that hurtled straight at the space where Joey's head had been. "See?"

"But it's so funny when you say it," Tristan chortled.

"Take dat!" Joey shoved Tristan, who lost his balance and fell flat on his face. Well would've done, if his rock hard hair hadn't been in the way anyway.

"Uh, guys," Tristan said from ground level. "I have a problem here. I can't get up."

"Ha, your hair's wedged between the crack in the pavement," Duke said, wiping orange juice from his forehead.

"Oh no," Téa's eyes widened. "You've got seven years of bad luck!"

"No, friendship-face, he's broken his mother's spine- step onna line, break ya mother's spine!" Joey shook his head.

"Oi, dufus," Tristan called from below, "actually, it's fall down a crack, break Joey's back!" He swung a fist towards Joey, but missed, ending up wedging himself further into the fissure. "Help, hel-Yugi! You'll help me!"

Yugi eyed all the characters nervously. They were far too hyperactive for their own good. Spotting Yami bending over the lake, he ran and-

"Ha, Yugi, thought you could push me in?" Yami spun around, strands dripping.

"Yami, I wouldn't dream of such a thing," Yugi said innocently.

"Yes, I saw you. I saw the look in your eyes."

"What are you doing near the lake?" Yugi asked. He could play for time.

"Oh that, well," Yami straightened up, "I was just checking to see if erm…the dyes in my hair weren't running."

"You have dyes in your hair?" Yugi's eyes widened. In the distance-

"Arghh! Stoppit, Duke! You're giving me cramp!"

"No, don't push him further in Joey, you're supposed to pull him out!"

"Argghh! Get that seagull away from me!" Joey yelled, letting go of Tristan and running away.

"Hah, you're not going anywhere," Tristan said, grabbing Joey's foot.

"Gerroff me, Tristan, people are already givin' ya weird looks, y'know how strange dis is gonna look?"

"I'm beyond caring! Ow, I think there's a mole trying to tunnel through my hair!"

Yami ran over, followed by Yugi.

"Look," Yami said, "If you really want to get Tristan out of the ground, then all you have to do is-"

"Argh! I've had it!" Yugi cried, tearing his hair out. "Why can't you all be normal like anyone else?" He reached into a pocket and pulled out a remote control. The red button glinted in the light.

Suddenly everyone stopped moving. "Uh Yugi, is that a detonator in your hand?"

Joey elbowed Téa. "Shhh, whaddya think, stoopid?"

"You know, ever since I agreed to work on this Ra forsaken show, I have been fed up of you all, thinking you're better than me, because I am vertically challenged! Ha! It is all going to change now!" Yugi puffed up. "I am always below everyone, and no one is below me!" –(note: line from The Incredibles) "The world will be mine! And you will die! Muhahahaha!"

Yugi was so engrossed in his monologue that he didn't see Joey yanking Tristan from the ground and hurling him round and round. Joey let go, and Tristan smacked straight into Yugi, detonator spinning in the air.

"Noo-ooo-oo!" In Matrix style, Duke and Yami jumped up to grab it, collided, and were knocked out.

"Got it!" Téa eeeped. "Why doesn't the button go down?"

"Erm…that's because you just pushed it down…"

"Uh oh."

There was a brief silence, then an explosion.

**And the moral of the story is: Sometimes it is best to take over the world by yourself.**

**Or: Never wear too much hair gel, not only does it smell bad, but it is a personal health hazard.

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Hmmm…random story there…send me more ideas, people!


	7. Bakura and Malik's Bar Experience

Marjoram, I want to thank you for the inspiration of this wonderful new tale. I was wondering how to get Bakura and Malik involved, well, here it is.

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Why It Is Not A Good Idea To Get Bakura and Malik Drunk

…At The Same Time

"Ah, I find that if we move the battleships to the bay over there…" Malik moved three battleships with a brush of his sweeper.

"And launch the Lancaster Bombers onto the sandy beach in a surprise attack-"

"The world will be ours!"

The two Yamis were in a dimly lit room, hunched over a map of the world, contemplating on the many military manoeuvres they could endeavour. All was quiet…

The door clanged open.

"Sorry guys, Pearl Harbour's already happened," Ryou said jollily, patting Bakura on the back.

"Really, Bakura and Malik, you need to get out more," Tristan said, scrunching up the map and tossing it into the bin.

"What the…?" Both Yamis gaped, aghast.

"You know, go out, meet some girls, see the sights…"

"B-but-" They watched as Joey ate the battleships.

"Tell ya wha-" Joey spat out the hull, "why don' we take youse out tonight, y'know, to meet girls. Our treat!"

"Yeah, I mean come on, you need a better social life than playing battleships in the dark," Tristan sniggered.

"Well that settles it," Ryou hoisted Bakura up and dragged him away.

"You too!" Joey cried to Malik.

"You know, it is so nice that we can all just sit in a bar and enjoy our drinks, without starting one of your Ra-damned arguments," Yugi murmured, sipping a cocktail.

"Yeah well, shame I don't like alcohol," Téa grumbled, swallowing a mouthful of Red Bull.

"You know, I think dat babe over there's givin' ya da eye," Joey winked, elbowing Bakura in the ribs.

"Ouch!" He winced. Being sandwiched in between a Joey on ten Bicardis' and a suave Yami doing a James Bond wasn't doing too much for his personal wellbeing.

"Hey come on, you guys are hardly drinking anything at all!" Tristan cried.

"Ha, ya scared, aintcha?" Joey snickered, choking on a pretzel. (Yes, there is an intentional reference to Story 4)

"Gah! Joey's choking!" Yugi cried.

"Quick, do something!"

"I know!" Téa said. She curled her hand into a fist and smacked Joey on the back.

"Ow! Watch it tha- bleurgh cough" A sopping pretzel shot out of Joey's mouth and landed on the table. Everyone stared at it.

"Joey, you're so stupid," Malik said eventually. "How in the name of Ra, can you choke on a pretzel?"

"It has a hole in it for Ra's sake!" Bakura cried.

"Yeah well, the president did it," Joey muttered sullenly.

"Joey," Tristan whispered, "You're not supposed to say that."

Malik downed the rest of his drink and burped. "You're pathetic, Wheeler!"

"Oh yeah? Comin' from someone who's only had one drink, I think not!" Joey retorted.

"Ha! Malik only had one drink!" Bakura laughed, pointing at Malik.

"And how many, may I ask, have you had, tomb robber?"

The bar went deathly quiet.

Bakura put his mug down.

"Now now," Ryou began. "I thought we'd put all this behind us, put our differences aside-"

"When we made our deal, didn't I forbid you to call me by that lowly name? And for your information, I have had one and a half drinks," Bakura said icily, standing up. His mug clattered to the floor.

"Brrr, it's cold in here," Téa said cheerfully.

"Who says you can forbid me to do anything?" Malik also stood up.

"The same person who also says that Malik has the brains of a nit and has the world domination potential of zero!"

Malik looked hurt. "Liar! You said seven point five back in the darkroom!"

"Get with it, loser."

"Oh, I get it," Malik said. "Why, you backstabbing little…"

Bakura swayed uncertainly. "Yeah, that's right! I don't need your help! I am far superior to any of you mortals! And you," he pointed at Malik, "you are but a mere shadow compared to me, for I, Bakura will triumph! All will quake in Bakura's wake!"

"So, you think you're better than me, eh?"

"I think you will find I do!"

"Let's settle this the good old way…" Malik's eyes gleamed, as he drew out the Millennium Rod.

"Guys, you gotta stop this!" Téa cried. "Huh?"

"Go get him, the slimeball!" Ryou yelled.

"Blast the blasted tomb robber back to where he came from!" Marik growled, egging Malik on.

Both Yamis were on the table, circling each other. People crowded around, chanting their names, taking bets.

Suddenly a flash of light erupted from each Item, and met in the middle, exploding. Screams as people dove under chairs.

Bakura swayed again, and Malik took this as an opportunity to blast him. "Argh! hic"

"Haha!" Malik laughed, falling over.

"Honestly, do I have to do everything around here?" Marik complained, snatching the Rod.

"Ere, gimme that!" Malik growled, scrabbling back onto the table.

Another blast collided. It was getting warm in the bar.

"Guys, this place is on fire!" Yugi cried. "I think it's gonna explode!"

"Take that, imaginary swine!" Bakura yelled.

"Ha! Missed, you son of dirt!"

"Yeah well, at least I'm not made up!"

"You asked for it!" Malik looked mad. Even worse, he was drunk. Whooping, he created a giant fireball that flamed up, growing bigger and bigger.

"No! You'll kill us all!" Bakura cried, eyes wide.

"Ha! I can't be killed, because I don't exist!" Malik yelled insanely, letting the fireball go.

_Boom!_

Above the burning wreckage…

"Phew, that was close!" Téa sighed. "Good thing I drank Red Bull, it really gave me wings, isn't that right, guys? Guys…"

**And the moral of the story is: If you want to get Bakura and Malik drunk, you must take all responsibility.**

**Or: Red Bull gives you wings.

* * *

**

Like it? Like it not? Well, keep your ideas coming in, I am fresh out of stories and morals- sigh!

PS. If you liked this, then check out my "Ways To Annoy Yami Yugi" fic! Or my new one- "April Doom's day!"


	8. A Small Problem On The High Seas

Dedicated to Pharaoh's Queen. Thanks for being such a great reviewer, and for coming up with this idea in the first place!

* * *

A Tiny Toilet Problem On The High Seas

"No Marik!" Bakura cried, grabbing the controls. "You're supposed to make the peasants pray to you, to boost their morale, not eat them!"

"Gimme that, you pathetic tomb robber! You do things your way, and I'll do things mine." Marik sat back smugly and watched Bakura's eyes widen in wonder, as Marik's god 'Marik the First', doubled his magic points and swelled twice in size. Marik then proceeded to fire thunderbolts at the opposition, more commonly known as Yami-the-insufferable-Ra-forsaken-o-mightiness-the-Pharaoh.

"So, still object to my style of winning?" Marik said coolly, leaning back.

"You know, I should chop off some of your hair to make room for your ego," Bakura sniffed.

Just then the boat rocked, and everything in the cabin including Bakura, Marik and the computer went hurtling towards starboard.

"Arghh! My unmentionables!" Marik cried in pain. "Get this Ra-damned machine off of me!"

Bakura sniggered, but his conquest over Marik was cut short by another giant rock, sending them all towards the opposite wall.

"Arghh!"

Someone's head popped round the door.

"Master Marik, sir, we do believe there is a slight problem with the functioning of one of your facilities."

"What?" Marik growled.

"Erm…let us say that some hooligan had thought it would be a novel idea to block our bathroom with seaweed. The crabs have nested under the seat and limpets have made a nest of the u-bend. I think you should take a look, sir."

"Holy Ra!" Marik exclaimed as the boat lurched again. Bakura was turning green.

The deck master's eyes widened. "Gosh sir, this looks like a fun game. Do you mind if I join in?"

"Get out! Now!" Marik snarled, as Bakura upended his stomach contents into Marik's hair.

"Heh, suits your hair colour," Bakura tittered as the deck master ran for his life.

Now it was Marik's turn to change colour.

"Oh, err…I think I shall go and take a look at the problem," Bakura said, edging towards the door. "I like to watch the water swirl when I flush the loo, you see." He then proceeded to zoom out of the cabin before Marik's rage caught up with him.

How had they managed to get along in the first place? Well Marik had a new boat with a state of the art PC, and Bakura had the latest edition of the banned game Pharaoh Demolition. Simple.

A few minutes later our Bakura was equipped with a set of power tools, a crab net, a fish spatula and a pair of safety goggles. The crewmembers watched him with trepidation as he stepped into the room, like an explorer going into certain death.

After a while there was bang, an: 'owww!' and an assortment of other noises, including drilling.

When Bakura came out everyone was surprised to see the bathroom was indeed fixed, and that all the seaweed and limpets had been removed. Of course, the crab was attached to Bakura's nose, but no one dared to mention it to him.

Later, Bakura and Marik had settled to play round two of Pharaoh Demolition- 'Planning the V formation skirmish, with a duel monsters card as a decoy' when another person rushed in.

"Master Marik sir! The tap water in the kitchen has gone funny!"

"Funny, you say?" Marik ask. "How may I enquire, funny?"

"Well sir, the water has turned blue!"

"But water is normally blue, is it not?" Bakura quipped.

"Well yeah…but…"

"Then I do not think we have a problem." Bakura said, with a hint of sharpness.

"Yes sir," the chef's assistant sighed and left the room.

"Honestly, people these days have no imagination," Marik shook his head.

"I know, what do they think water is, colourless?" Both laughed at that preposterous idea.

Shortly after, there was another complaint.

"Master Marik, I believe there is something in our pipes!" Another crewmember cried, bursting in.

"What? And you made me miss the Pharaoh's head too, now I'll have to settle for his heart!" Bakura grumbled. "I was so looking forward to seeing his brains!"

Marik sighed and went to see what the problem was. When he went to inspect the pipe, there was indeed a mysterious rattling.

"Look, this is natural, all it means is that it is thirsty," he said, grabbing a mug of someone's ale and tossing it onto the pipe. "There, look, it's steaming now. It means it's happy."

"But-"

"It is your job to make sure the boat is in running order, what do I pay you jerks for?" Marik spun around and disappeared.

On his way back he was met by a lurching Bakura. "The seafood," he gasped. "Bakura and prawns do not mix."

Marik shook his head and went back to the game. A few minutes later a piercing scream tore through the air.

"Who in the name of the Pharaoh is that? We don't have any members of the female persuasion on board, or else I would have known!" Marik ran out eagerly and crashed into Bakura.

"It's hideous!" He cried.

"Where is she?" Marik yelled.

Both looked confused for a second then ran to the bathroom, where the whole crew had gathered.

"What is going on?" Marik whispered.

Bakura gave him a broom. "Here, go in and have a look. It's hideous."

Marik went in and came back out. "Holy Ra Bakura, what have you done?"

"It wasn't me…" Bakura whispered.

A slimy tentacle slithered, teasing at the door.

"When you said you'd had something bad to eat I never imagined…"

"Oh ALRIGHT!" Bakura bellowed. "When I went to fix the toilet, all I did was send everything to the Shadow Realm. I must have forgotten to close the vortex."

"But…the drilling?" Someone asked nervously.

"Oh, I was just having fun," Bakura's eyes gleamed.

"So…" another man quavered, "That…thing is responsible for all the weird things that have happened on board?"

"Yep," Bakura said happily.

"How do you get rid of it?"

"Erm…" Bakura began.

"You don't," Marik said. "I have decided to keep it as a pet. I will let it grow and nurture it, and the next time the Pharaoh happens to be walking past…bam! He's all…sunk…shall we say."

"Har har," Bakura said sarcastically. Just then, there was a jolt. Water started lapping at everyone's ankles. Water that came from the bathroom. "Uh…"

"Eurghhh!" Marik cried. "My boat! We're flooded! Abandon ship!" And with that, he dived overboard, leaving a very confused sea monster, Bakura and the rest of the crew on board.

Don't worry- they survived of course. Had the poor thing for tea.

**And the moral of the story is: Don't let anyone past their sell by date anywhere near modern power tool technology.**

**Or: Sometimes sea monsters taste quite nice.

* * *

**

Thanks for reading, and don't forget to R n' R!


	9. Oh For The Love Of Ra!

Serenity goes on a date with her new boyfriend. Tristan and Duke have a LOT of things to say about that.

I was bored…

* * *

For The Love Of Ra

Serenity poked her head around the door and smiled sweetly. "Guys, I'm going out to the movies. I won't be back until late, so one of you will have to look after Joey. Make sure he doesn't get his head stuck in the cookie jar again."

Duke and Tristan instantly perked up from the dragging film they were watching.

"Cinema?"

"When?"

"Oh, didn't I tell you guys?" Serenity thought for a moment.

"It's OK, Serenity," Tristan said eagerly, "I'll take you-"

Duke swept past, kneeling and kissing her hand. "Have no fear, the Duke-meister is here!"

"Will you keep it down?" Joey yelled, "I can't hear what I'm thinking!" A pause. "Oh yeah, I need to get more chips."

A few shots rang out from the film on TV, followed by a piercing scream.

"Didn't I tell you guys?" Serenity looked puzzled. "I'm going out on a mystery date. He's supposed to be really romantic and loves gazing at the stars." She sighed. "Well, best be off, wish me luck!" With a clatter of heels and flick of golden-brown hair, she was off.

"G-good…luck…" both stood in the doorway, mouths agape.

"Whoever he is, he must sure be a lucky guy," Duke said glumly. He and Tristan had been staring at the empty TV screen for the last hour. Joey had his head stuck in the cookie jar again and was currently in A&E, though it was an accident it couldn't possibly be emergency!

Tristan drooped. "I bet he's loaded as well- he's probably taken her to the fancy restaurant down the town…I can't even afford an ice cream there, let alone a meal."

Both sighed.

"You know, if both of us took him on, I'm sure we'd be able to take him down," Duke contemplated.

"Yeah, and then I'd swoop in and claim the best prize of all…"

"Oh no you won't, cos I'll beat you to her first!"

"After I beat you up!" Tristan growled.

"No wait…" Duke said hastily. "I bet he isn't even that good looking. Not like us, anyway."

Tristan calmed down, checking his reflection in the TV screen. "That's right, with my radical hair style and your…dice she can't fail to see how her date compares to us."

"Who is Serenity's date anyway?" Duke wondered.

"You know, I don't think she has actually told us yet." Tristan mumbled.

A key was turned in the front door. Tristan and Duke jumped.

"That must be Serenity!" They cried, tiptoeing to the peephole.

"Oi Duke, I was here first!"

Put off, Duke elbowed Tristan in the face. "Move aside, pencil head, you wouldn't have been able to get your eye close enough to see anyways on account of your pencil hair!"

"Watch it, Dice-boy!"

The door opened, and both guys were sent sprawling.

"Oooooo …"

"-and I really want to thank you for your night out, Mr Seto Kaiba." Serenity's sweet voice floated towards the moaning duo.

"Please, just call me Kaiba," another voice said, embarrassed.

Tristan and Duke could only watch as the supercilious Seto Kaiba swept Serenity up in what could only be described as a romantic embrace; a light kiss and with a swish of his trenchcoat was gone.

"Hey guys," Serenity flashed a smile.

"K-k-kaiba?" Tristan and Duke were speechless.

"The one and only!" She clapped her hands. "You won't believe what fun we had! He taught me the names of the stars, whilst we were in the park. It was magical!"

"Kaiba? Stargazing?" Their jaws dropped even further.

"Well, he did take me to the fancy restaurant downtown before we went to watch a film too…"

"The…Seto…Kaiba?" Duke fell over. "What was this…a blind date…? Oops."

"I'll have you know, Mister Kaiba was quite the gentleman," Serenity said haughtily.

"I'm so sorry, sweet Serenity!" Duke bowed at her feet.

"And I apologise too on his behalf!" Tristan dropped to the floor and prayed to her.

"Why are you apologizing?" Duke asked.

"I don't know!" Tristan wailed.

"Hmph. By the way, where's big brother Joey?"

Their sheepish grins told Serenity all she needed to know. "Right, one of you two take the front seat."

"I'll drive!" Tristan cried.

"Not if I get to the car first!" Duke yelled, as both of them scampered off, Serenity sighing as she raced after them.

Somewhere in the night, an owl hooted, a star twinkled and a Joey Wheeler moaned as he strained to lick a chocolate chip that was wedged between his cheek and the side of the cookie jar.

**And the moral of the story is: No matter what you do, don't leave Joey with the cookie jar. Or any other form of container for food...**

* * *

How was it? Not too long, I hope… 


	10. I Call The Ace Of Clubs!

Due to popular response I have managed to fit writing this into my coursework schedule!

* * *

I Call The Ace Of Clubs!

They were in the bar again. The bar that had survived Téa's dancing, Marik and Bakura's little tiff and being blown up.

"C'mon guys, who says no to a round o' cards?" Joey attempted a professional shuffle, only to have the cards sprayed all over a wide-eyed Yami.

"Gosh Yugi, I've never seen these cards before!" He picked one up, studying it really carefully. "Wow, what kind of duel monster is it that looks the same when you turn it upside down-"

"That's the Queen of Hearts, Ra-dammit!" Kaiba popped up out of nowhere, snatching the cards. He shuffled the cards properly, much to Joey's annoyance, and began to deal them out.

"Wait a moment," Téa said, coughing in the smoky room. "What game are we playing?"

"We'll decide that when we get there," Kaiba said casually. He counted the number of cards he had. Three. "OK, anyone up for Beggar My Neighbour?"

"And I'll slam these in face up attack mode!" Yami hollered, showing everyone he had an Ace of clubs, a Seven and Ten of Hearts.

Bakura smirked.

"What're you laughing at, Tomb Robber?" Yami said hotly. "Bet my monsters can beat yours any day."

Bakura flipped his up. "Straight Aces," he said coolly.

Yami let out a strangled noise and flipped the top of the rest of the deck. "Ha! My Magic Joker Monster attacks your Life Points! Game over!"

"Oh yeah?" Bakura tensed up, ready for a fight.

"My fists can take you on any day, slimy Robber," Yami boasted.

"STOP!" Kaiba roared, eyes flashing. "I came here to gambl- I mean play, not watch two pathetic people who don't even exist throw insults. If I'd wanted that, I could've arranged an interview with Dog-face Wheeler."

"Hey!" Joey yelled.

"Calm down people," Téa tried to restrain Joey. "People are starting to look at us."

"I'll go and get us some more drinks then," Joey murmured, standing up.

"No need!" A chirpy voice piped up as Duke and Tristan appeared, carrying a tray full of drinks.

"Is it me, or has everyone gone insane?" Joey muttered, sitting back down. "No way can we coincidentally bump into that many people at the same time."

Kaiba was shuffling the cards again. "Alright, this time we play Bridge."

He was met with silence. Sighing, he put the deck down and said wearily, "OK, does anyone _actually_ know how to play Bridge?"

Furtive shakes of heads all around. "Did you know, that it is a universal rule that no one in existence knows how to play Bridge-"

"Shut it, Duke Boy!" A hand was clamped over Duke's mouth.

"Poker?" Kaiba jingled his moneybag impatiently. Everyone glanced at a hyperactive Yami. "Better not then."

Kaiba dealt out the cards. "Snap, so be it."

"Ere, how can you wager on Snap!" Joey blurted.

"Shhhh, Joey, it's all in the mind," Tristan murmured.

"You mean you're not really here, and I'm just imagining you?"

"Whatever you say Joey."

"Argghhh!" Joey clutched his head. "Your Jedi mind tricks aren't working on me!"

"Someone give him more beer, sheesh," Bakura sighed, running a hand through his white locks.

And so began the most complicated version of the most boring game in history. Joey was out first- he still couldn't come to terms with whether he was imagining Duke and Tristan or not, this was confirmed when they whacked him over the head with a mug and he was out by default-

"-You can't really play if your face is plastered to the floor," mumbled a very apologetic Tristan.

Tristan and Duke were both out second and third; they couldn't focus after they'd almost killed their best friend. Téa cried herself out- she just wasn't up to Snap. And so it was Bakura, Yami, and Kaiba left in the game.

"Snap!" Bakura yelled, but Kaiba's hand had shot there first. "Damn your body reflexes!" He cursed, fist up sluggishly as he waged a three-man war in his body against Ryou, and the third party, which was beer.

Yami, who'd been pretty quiet so far in the game, thanks to a little tutoring from Yugi, now thought that he was in his element.

"It's just you and me now buddy," he said, doing a very bad impression of an accent he'd heard on TV.

Kaiba smiled.

All had gone quiet. Suddenly without warning, Yami launched into an Indian war cry and launched his cards at Kaiba. Two Jokers hit him squarely on the nose.

"My Double Jokers blast your life points down to zero! In your face! Game, set, match!"

"Yami, how many times do I have to tell you that a Joker is _not_ a form of monster?" Yugi yelled, taking everyone by surprise.

Kaiba swept up the cards. "Well that was a waste of time," he said, and left.

**And the moral of the story is: Make sure you can tell the difference between a 'duel monster' card and a regular 'playing' card before you play.**

**Or: If you want to keep your sanity, never play cards with Yami.**

**

* * *

**Whoo, like? 


	11. Joey’s Adventures in Microsoft World

OK, first of all I just want to stress that I do NOT in any way own or ever will own the rights to Microsoft Word, the annoying paperclip thingy or Yugioh.

Oh yeah, I got the idea for this chapter from an email forward I'd received a long time ago that was making fun of Microsoft Word, so this is in case you're wondering where I got my insane ideas from this time!

Finally, RATED 13 or whatever the equivalent of 13 is for one mention of a suicide note.

Have a nice day!

* * *

Joey's Adventures in Microsoft World

"Stupid English assignment!" Joey cursed as he shoved a whole mountain load of homework into his scruffy rucksack. "At this rate I'll be lying next to Shakespeare by the time I finish all his essays!"

Getting home, he booted up his PC and waited. And waited. And waited.

"You have to make sure it's plugged in," Yugi whispered knowingly to him, surprising Joey by popping in out of thin air.

"Wha- how did you get in here?" Joey threw himself against the wall, as far as he could get away from Yugi and made the holy sign.

"Mind tricks, Joey…it's all in the mind," Yugi tapped his head.

Scrunching his forehead, Joey remembered a time not so long ago when he was sitting in a bar… Apparitions of Tristan and Duke had seemingly appeared out of thin air too. But today he was sober, he was sure of that!

"Hey Yug, your Jedi mind tricks won't work on me!"

"Who says they haven't already?" He said mysteriously, pools of violet light in his eyes drawing Joey in, making him feel sleepy, making him feel…

"Cut it out Yugi!" Joey yelled, snapping up. "I got homework to do, so mess with Tristan instead!"

"Homework?" Yugi said brightly. "Hey, maybe I can help!"

He plugged the PC in, and the machine whirred as it came to life.

"Awright!" Joey high-fived. "Let's get some serious Shakespeare busting done!"

He opened up Microsoft Word, and-

"Arghh! What the hell's that…that wire thing…it's staring at me!"

Yugi looked at the screen; then at Joey's frozen face of horror. With careful deliberation, he said, "that, my friend, is the office assistant, Clippit."

"Clippit?" Joey eyed the paperclip incredulously.

With a metallic clang, the paperclip leaned forward and a set of options appeared.

"What the…?"

"Just click off it, that usually does the trick. Joey," Yugi began, "have you ever used a computer before?"

He remembered a few weeks ago, when he'd been trying to teach his Yami all about the joys of modern technology. Yeah, that hadn't gone too well. Yami had ended up threatening to smash the paperclip when it refused to acknowledge his existence in the spell check.

xXx

_"But it doesn't recognize my name either," Yugi said earnestly, trying to calm Yami down._

_"Bow down at my feet now, or I will render you unconscious and banish you to the Shadow Realm!" Yami announced, typing furiously._

_"Yami! This isn't a chat room, this is an animated graphic…a moving picture!"_

_The paperclip had blinked before it responded to Yami's 'request' with "I am sorry, I don't know what you mean."_

_Yami growled, and raised his Puzzle…_

xXx

"Heh, heh, heh…" Joey chuckled nervously at Yugi's question. "Of course I have- look, I can write a letter…" And with that, he began typing-

_Dear Whurld,_

_I just carnt take this anymor. I've decided  
_

"Joey!" Yugi peered over his shoulder, shocked. "What kind of letter are you writing? This looks like-"

Suddenly the paperclip popped up with a new set of options:

_It looks like you're committing suicide!_

_Office Assistant can help you write your suicide note. But first, please tell us how you plan to kill yourself!_

_Chainsaw  
__Pills  
__Backstreet Boys  
__Jump_

"Err…yeah, I read one of these in the help column of one my sister's magazines…" Joey mumbled sheepishly.

"What's a 'whurld'?" Yugi asked skeptically.

"Erm…" Joey looked panicked.

"Tsch, never underestimate the power of the spell check!"

The room was met with silence.

"OK," Yugi began after an embarrassing pause, "let me just handle this right?"

Suddenly the computer froze.

"Argghhh!" Joey yelled as the screen became fuzzy. "What's happening, Yug?"

"I…don't…know…" Yugi breathed as the fuzzy black and white dots merged into lines…becoming clearer…becoming something more sinister…

"Greetings."

"Yowza!" Joey shot up a mile. "I didn't know computers could get possessed!"

The face of Yami glared angrily back.

"Now listen carefully, Joey Wheeler, the whole fate of the universe depends upon-"

Yugi pressed his face against the screen; the grotesque distorted features causing Yami to jump back in horror (come on, you know, when you press your lips on the window- do you know how disgusting that looks on the other side?).

"Yami, you can't do this! This is a computer, not a TV!"

"Woah," Joey said, entranced. Yugi glanced over at him; he was staring mesmerized at a button on the keyboard. "Since when was there a bright red button…"

"There wasn't…" Yugi said slowly.

"No!" Yami pounded his fists from the other side of the screen. "Don't press that button!"

"Relax, Yami, you can stop this now," Joey smiled reassuringly. "We all know you're not really there…"

He pushed the button.

The screen went blank, then started glowing eerily. A metallic voice cackled, crackling slightly as it boomed over the speakers.

"Muhahahaha! All will quake at the wrath of the Microsoft Office Assistant!" Suddenly the paperclip popped up on screen, flicking it's tail menacingly. "The world will soon be mine, thanks to a little surprise…Arise, my minions!"

To Yugi's horror, thousand upon thousands of tiny paperclip replicas began to emerge, filling up the screen.

"It's a virus!" Joey screeched, running around in circles like a headless chicken. "It's gonna take over the whurld, we're all doomed!"

"Of course," Yugi whispered to himself. Two could play at that game…

Whilst the paperclip was preoccupied with it's spawn of insanity, Yugi grabbed a USB link and waved it madly at Joey.

"Where's your port?"

"Wha-?" Joey stared, stupefied.

"Port, you know, hole, cavity…you know, the hole in your head!"

"Oh that," Joey laughed. "Here." He lifted a tuft of hair aside and pointed to what could only be described as a USB port.

"Right." Yugi rammed the link into Joey's head and rammed the other end into the computer. "Now Joey, spell 'world'!"

"W-H-U-R-L-D? Is that right?"

"No, but keep on spelling it!" Yugi hissed excitedly. He returned his attention back to the paperclip.

"-Too long have I been subject to the abuse mortals hurl at me, too long have I been there to pick up the rubbish. No one appreciated my help when I offered it, people even set up their own parodies of me! I became known as 'that sodding paperclip' to all in cyberspace-" if it had a fist it would shake it at the world right now- "but now, that will change. I am the underlord, but I will be the overlord when I rise up and take back what is rightfully mine!"

"And what's that?" Yugi asked sweetly.

The paperclip glared at him for a second before answering. "The whurld will be mine!" There was a sudden look of horror on it's face. "Did I just implicate a grammatical error?" It tried again. The whurld will be mine-the whurld…" Now there was a look of unsuppressed panic. "Noo, a virus! Whurld-mine- the whurld-whurld-"

"Sorry?" Yugi said brightly. "You still in monologue?"

And with that, he pulled the plug.

"W-H-U-R-L-D…W-H-U-R-L-D…"

Yugi looked at Joey's deadly concentrating face for a minute before he laughed. "It's OK now Joey, you've just saved the world."

"Have I?" A puzzled look appeared on his face before it broke into a grin. "All for spelling one word wrong? Just wait til the whurld hears this!"

Yugi patted him on the back. "I think Joey, that sometimes it's best to keep these things to ourselves."

And with that, he pulled the USB out of Joey's head and vanished into thin air.

Rubbing his eyes at the spot where Yugi had been before, Joey murmured- "Yugi? You're not here anymore…did any of this actually happen? Was it all a dream?"

xXx

A few blocks away, Yugi sighed in relief.

"Good work, Yugi, once again we made sure that the world is a safer place."

Yami high-fived Yugi. "Another mission accomplished for Team Pharaoh!"

"Team Pharaoh?" Yugi spluttered. "Team Yugi, more like!"

**And the moral of the story is: Nothing is ever too weird to be true.**

**Or: Sometimes even mutts can save the world...shame we'll never know!**

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Weird? Surreal? Yeah, I know.

That turned into more of a fic-let! Well, let me know what you thought of it- I could always do with more ideas and opinions!


	12. Revenge of the Paperclip!

Tristan gets a new friend, Ryou turns cheeky and the paperclip's back? So…where do Digimon come into this? Arghhh- what in the name of Ra is going on?

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Revenge of the Paperclip

It was going well. The Hikaris had their Yamis under control for once, and were all at Joey's house for a spot of relaxation. By relaxation, meaning no world domination plans, no age long grudge wars spanning millennia and certainly no cookies. So everyone had settled for a nice friendly game of Tekken on the PlayStation. Friendly?

"Yeah right!" Téa bawled over the whoops and scrabbles for the controller.

"Take that, Pharaoh-face!"

She sighed. Why is it, that whenever they had a 'friendly' get together it always turned so, so _competitive_? Urgh, she sniffed. Hormones! The foul stench of male adrenaline. "That's it!" She stood up. "Joey, I don't care whether this is your house or not, but I refuse to stay in a place that stinks of pigsties!"

"Then get outta here!" Someone piped up randomly.

Her eyes narrowed. Yugi, Ryou and Joey gazed back at her innocently, Marik…not so innocent, a lounging Joey, Tristan and Duke giving each other daggers as usual…Kaiba, Serenity… "Wait a minute! What's Kaiba doing here?"

"I don't know," he answered evenly. "I was about to ask myself that same question." And with that, he left the scene.

Everyone turned their attention back to the game. Suddenly a big button popped up on screen, right in the middle of Tristan getting creamed.

"What the-?" Duke hammered down on the X button. "Why, may I ask, have I stopped killing you?"

"K-O, Duke, it's K-O," Tristan said, gleefully jumping to avoid a swing from Duke's fist.

"Well if I can't get you in virtually, I'll have to get you in reality!"

Yugi tutted as the oncoming brawl started like a rain of cats and dogs.

"So," Marik drawled, "what do you want to do about this button? Push it?"

The looks of horror on everyone's faces said enough. "Evidently no." Marik looked downcast. "Where are you Bakura?" He cried to the heavens. "At least let me even the odds!"

Ryou patted him woodenly on the back. "There there. There there."

"Ha, you're the only one of us that doesn't need his Yami suppressed," Yugi observed. "You're psycho enough as it is!"

Suddenly Tristan and Duke came crashing in a manner of fists…into the TV, into the button. A hush settled over the room, as a chilly wind swept up. There were drums in the background as the screen turned black…and…a paperclip? Giggling insanely?

"Arghhh!" Joey howled. "It's the Revenge of the Paperclip!"

Téa peered curiously at him. "Don't you mean Sith?"

But Joey had no time to respond, for at that precise moment in time, a vortex appeared in the middle of the screen and began spontaneously sucking in everyone. Well not quite. After the slurping noises and all the dust had subsided, it seemed that Téa and Serenity were still left in the room.

"Sexist pigs!" She huffed.

"Hey!" Yugi's voice piped up. Téa peeked down. Yugi had one arm locked around the sofa leg to anchor him down, and the other was busy grappling for the cookie jar that had been dislodged from the top of the very high bookshelf. Téa whacked his cookie hand.

"Ow! Nooooooooooooooooo…"

xXx

In a distant land, far far away, a vortex opened up in the sky. If anyone was watching, he or she might have been pleasantly surprised to see a group of humanoid beings spat out, all of which were emitting very high pitched wailing noises that didn't quite match the masculine picture.

"Argghhhh!" Tristan yelled as he plunged headfirst…or _hair_ first to be more precise, into a bush. "Get me out of here, my hair's stuck! It's gonna lose it's seventy nine percent sleekness and twenty six percent shine!"

"With those odds, you need a new shampoo," Marik muttered, as a load of bodies landed on him. Somehow he still managed to find time to stroke his own hair. "I mean look at mine, natural spikes, and I don't even condition!"

"You don't condition?" Tristan echoed in horror. "Get away from me, you freak!"

The others disentangled themselves first and watched, amused whilst Tristan tried various methods of getting himself away from Marik without touching his precious hair at all. Finally Ryou could take it no longer. As he reached over to help Tristan out, another body fell from the sky.

"Argghhh!" Yugi cried as he spied Tristan's backside taking over his vision. "Get it away from me, get it away from me!"

xXx

Five minutes of hair-raising excitement later, and the male population of the gang were trudging wearily across this new land, with forests, and trees, and streams, and hills, and birds, and blue, blue cheerful sky! A sun smiled down on them, and a deer pranced about nearby-

"Dammit Joey, why did you have to press the button?" Tristan looked as if he was suffering from cuteness overload.

"Dammit Tristan, why do you have to have such a big head?" Joey retorted.

"Dammit Bakura, why do you have to try and take over the world?"

Everyone stopped to look at Ryou. "Well," he said, slightly flustered, "I need to make _some _sort of contribution to the overall level of conversation, don't I?"

"But talking to something that lives in your _mind_?" Duke shook his head.

"Hey!" Yugi exclaimed.

"I mean, how do we even know they're real?" He stopped for emphasis. He gazed at Joey before continuing. "From what I've heard, Yugi, you do a mean set of mind tricks. You should be in the circus or something!"

"Alright Hikaris United, lets maul him!" Yugi turned around. "Hey, where's Marik?"

"I dunno," Tristan began, saving Yugi's team name in his memory banks for future mickey taking. "Hey, what the-"

Something small and pink and fuzzy bounded out of the forest. "Tai, Tai! I've waited so long to meet you!"

"Arghh!" Tristan yelled as he was mauled by the pink fuzzy thing.

"Don't you remember me Tai?" The thing bounced up and down on his chest. "Don't you remember your Koromon? After all these years…my, your hair's changed though…kind lost it's spikes into one big spike…"

"Ko-ror-oro-mon?" Suddenly it dawned on Tristan. "I'm not a Digimon dammit, I'm Tristan! T-R-I-S-T-_have I done the T yet? Oh yeah_- A-N!"

"But Tai isn't a Digimon!" Koromon said sulkily.

"Ryou laughed. "Sorry mate, you got the wrong guy, wrong show."

"Awww," Koromon sighed dejectedly and bounced away to the theme tune of Digimon. _Di-gi-mon, digital monsters, Digimon are the champions!_

"Woah, that was weird," Tristan picked himself up and dusted his hair.

"Idiot!" Duke whacked him on the head. "You should've asked it how to get home!"

"Idiot!" Yugi whacked Duke. "Why didn't you if you'd already thought of that?"

"Because," he whacked Yugi back, "the thought only popped into my head just now."

Ryou whacked them both. "Ow!" Both Yugi and Duke rubbed their heads.

"Sorry," Ryou said meekly, "I wanted to contribute something too."

The gang carried on trekking through the forest, this time in the hopes of running into Tristan's new friend again. Both Yugi and Duke were giving Ryou a wide berth, in case he did something like sprout horns, but he remained as cheerful and Ryou-like as ever.

"Guys, why are you avoiding me?" He laughed nervously. "You'll talk to me, right Joey?"

Joey had been rather quiet recently but a look of horror flashed across his face. "Erm, yeah, OK erm…"

They entered a clearing. A crystal pool sparkled a few feet away, and they could see a great canyon looming up in front though the trees. Joey propped himself up against a tree, and rubbed his hands. "Right, time to catch us a Digimon! Here we go-" Suddenly he burst into song. "_Di-gi-mon, digital monsters, Digimon are the champions!_"

There was a rustling, and the gang's looks of 'ha, Joey, what in the name of Ra?' turned to looks of disbelief as three more fuzzy things bobbed out of the bushes. One promptly went to sleep. Another one brought up the rear- it was Koromon. "I told you they're back, they're-"

"Koromon, my mon," Tristan slapped it on the back.

"Yay! Now I can digivolve!" A light flashed and it strained.

"Look, if you're constipated just use the bathroom, jeez," Joey sighed.

"Koromon digivolve to-" It let out a disappointed squeak. "You're not really Tai are you?" It asked sadly.

"Nope, but since you asked, how do you get back to Japan from here? J-A-P-A-N."

"O-oh, _Japan_." It looked up hopefully. "You mean the planet that is overrun with creatures called Pokémon?"

"No-o!" Duke seethed.

"My, he look's ready to digivolve!" One of the other Digimon muttered.

"What, constipated?" Ryou blurted, wide eyed. He'd obviously never watched the show.

"Japan, can we get back to the subject?" Tristan sighed. The Digimon congregated in a huddle for a few moments.

"Alright, we'll help you get back to Japan," Koromon said.

One Digimon had just woken up. "What? Japan? I love that planet!" 

Tristan sighed, exasperated.

xXx

They were at the canyon when something crashing came down. It was a giant metal foot.

"Ha! I couldn't miss this opportunity to take over the world!" Marik crowed, from above.

"What the-is that a _paperclip_ he's riding on?" Tristan squinted. The Digimon also peered up.

Joey and Yugi hastily jumped up and down, waving their arms. "Alright, game over, heh heh let's go…" They shoved everyone off a cliff without giving a thought for their actions before they themselves jumped down.

"Wow, you must have had an impact on them if we induced that sort of idiotic behaviour," Marik commented.

"Yugi, what are you doing?" Duke yelled as he landed at the bottom.

"Arghh! It's still there! It's coming for us!" Joey cowered.

"-muhahahahaa! You thought you could escape the first time, but you thought wrong! For I am back, and once I have taken over your bodies I will leave here and masquerade as you mortals! This plan cannot fail! The world will be mine!" The paperclip boomed, it's maniacal laughter causing whirlwinds in Britain.

"We're gonna die, we're gonna die we're gonna die!" Joey whimpered.

"Quick! We'll go for it's eyes whilst you can go home!" Koromon yelled, thrusting something into Tristan's hand.

"What the hell's this? A rubber?" He held the thing up incredulously.

But there was no need. From out of the blue, two beings whooshed past, gliding effortlessly through the air.

"Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na- Bat-Téa!"

"And Super-Serenity!"

Ryou looked up in disbelief. "No way."

Both girls blasted the paperclip to bits with a Megatron 3000 Laser Blaster, and a Skylark Scything Blade before adding, "see, us girls aren't so useless after all!"

"I'll be back!" The paperclip screeched before it's data was reconfigured into a giant thirty foot statue of the two heroines in gold.

"Hahahahahahahahahaa!" Téa crowed.

"Don't you think this has all gone to her head?" Joey whispered as they were all sucked back out into the real world.

"Don't worry, I'll make sure they all forget any of this happened. It will be no more than a dream," Yugi murmured in a soporific voice.

_In a mystical place, far far away, a paperclip vowed for revenge. "I vow for my revenge!"_

**And the moral of the story is: Some stories don't need a feasible plot to work.**

**Or: Let us never talk about flower power again.

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**

Heh, I can start my own villain thing now! (eyes narrow) The rights to the Clippit character are mine, mine, mine! Anyway, how was this fic? Want more?


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